I read somewhere recently that we all have three lives. A public life; a private life and a secret life and I thought to myself it was very apt for anyone living in Second Life. It has been two months since my last blog post and the reasons which have kept me away cross over all three lives.
Life has thrown the hardest curve balls it could muster across the spectrum of my life. As a believer in blogger integrity it feels dishonest of me to project positivity and pretend all is well when really it is anything but. Although I walk, breath and function as a human should, deep inside I am tired and battle weary.
Energy or more truthfully, lack of energy is a big thing for me right now and the main reason I have not returned to regular blogging. Due to battling another injury to my dominate arm concurrently with a long-term illness which has reared its ugly head, there are times I become too exhausted to lift my head from its pillow. Tiredness hits me with little warning and lasts many hours.
This of course has impacted upon my studies. For the first time since returning to study I am facing defeat. Determined to try but undermined by fear and lacking the ability to convert cold hard mathematics into something which I can absorb and understand, has left me frustrated, cranky and at times in tears. I have to force myself to open my books and I spend more time than necessary staring blankly at the pages.
As an honor grade student never before have I felt so challenged and at the same time physically stressed in the quest for understanding information. I have never come close to failing an exam my entire life and at this stage I’ll be ecstatic if I can muster enough knowledge to slide my bum across the pass line. The hours I am dedicating to my studies right now is beyond ridiculous so please cross your fingers and toes for me on the 10th of this month because I want nothing more than to be able to toss my text book into the bottom paddock where the animals can crap on it all they like!
If all that wasn’t enough, my secret life has been rocked to its core and my heart aches for what it cannot have. I know better than most that real life must always take priority to the lives we build within Second Life. And whilst deciding to let go for now does not mean loving any less, it does not make the loss felt by two people any less painful or the void any less deep.
Although I have never watched the show, six years ago I dedicated to Mr. P. a particular video showing Damon and Elena from Vampire Diaries getting hot and heavy. Their love affair captured our own rapture with one another and even the look of our avatars fitted perfectly with the couple. I have always used music and videos to communicate the words that I never can express and right now YouTube and I have become late night companions as my restless mind seeks comfort in those perfect memories I hold.
It always secretly amused me that Mr.P hated anything vampire, even though I happened to be one in Second Life at the time which we met. Over the years there has always been a Damon and Elena moment which suited our exact situation with this no exception. This video is especially meaningful for me as it includes snippets of that very first clip sent so many years ago to the man who is and will always be my soulmate.
(Who knows Dremmy, maybe I will actually write that love story)
Obviously I need to take a little time-out from all three lives, where I can simply hit the stop button and let my mind and heart rest and refresh. So for now to everyone who follows my story I just want to say thank you for hanging in there with me and that I hope to return for weekly lets explore Second Life posts at the end of this month.
Also if any of you are statistic whiz kids please contact me and help a floundering butterfly out!
All my love, PB xx